


In the shadow of your heart

by croissantbleu



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Reunions, Tags Contain Spoilers, no cheating dw i don't do that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 14:22:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14546625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croissantbleu/pseuds/croissantbleu
Summary: Dan and Phil fell apart a few years ago, and if Phil seemed to have no problem getting used to his new life back in Manchester with his husband Noah, Dan has a few more difficulties moving on. But when Phil comes down to London to attend Louise’s party and ends up having to stay with Dan for a few days, who can tell what will happen





	1. Chapter 1

Dan couldn’t get used to the deafening silence of the flat when he woke up. It was as if he somehow still hoped to wake up one day and hear someone rummage in the kitchen, meaning that everything that happened these last five years was just a dream. And this morning was no different.

He sighed and stretched his arm to grab his phone on the bedside table, unlocking it to see a text from Louise reminding him that he was invited to her book launch party that evening. He groaned. This could be either a good or a terrible idea, but he had promised he would be there, so he didn’t really have a choice. Besides, he had to admit he hadn’t had the occasion to hang out with people that much, lately. Well, except with Kali, but they hardly counted as people - they ended up becoming his best friend and they spent a lot of time together, and he couldn’t be thankful enough for them. Dan's phone buzzed and, sure enough, it was a text from them.

_ “Hope you’re out of bed and getting dressed because I’m almost at your place. We’re going to get you some clothes for that party, I’m going to look great and won’t let you wear a random shirt you dug up from the depths of your wardrobe again” _

Dan let out a string of swears as he jumped out of bed and rushed to put on jeans and a random shirt, managing to have tied his shoelaces before the doorbell rang. Kali had a terrible habit of  _ not _ warning him before dragging him outside. He knew they meant well though, and he had to admit he probably wouldn’t leave his flat half as much if they weren’t there. He’d always needed someone to help push him to do things, it just… hadn’t always been Kali.

He shook his head and went to open the door. It had been five years. He really needed to learn to stop thinking about it. Kali welcomed him by a quick hug before grabbing his arm and tugging him forward, already blabbering about how they were glad the weather was finally getting better, because they really couldn't bear the humidity anymore. That had the merit of making Dan smile a bit.

 

* * *

Dan had never really been a fan of parties, even less now that he'd stopped drinking. He was happy for Louise, really, he was glad that he could be there to show his support but it was just… so much. It took so much energy to just  _ pretend _ , pretend that everything had been going just fine, so he wouldn't have to deal with the sorry looks and pitiful eyes of his friends. Because everyone expected him to have gotten past it, after so much time had passed and everyone had moved on with their lives. Everyone, but him, of course.

He'd been at the party for a while now, maybe two hours, and had already talked to pretty much everyone. Louise was the star of the night, of course, and Dan had barely had the chance to talk to her for a minute before she had to go greet new guests. He wasn't mad, though, he really was happy that she was doing so well. She deserved it.

He was hovering by the snacks now, away from most of the agitation and only making small talk with the few people coming up to him. Kali walked up to him, long skirt swirling around their ankles, and grabbed a toast.

“So,” they said, leaning against the table. “How you holding up, old man?”

“Shut up,” Dan smiled, “you're older than me.”

“Mh, yeah, maybe, but nobody would believe you,” they added with a wink.

“Get out of here with your stupid babyface,” Dan laughed and pretended to grab a toast to throw it at them.

That got him a disapproving but amused look from Louise, and he smiled apologetically before she went back to answer the door. Kali had that look on their face they always had before making a terrible joke but they were cut off by a sudden agitation near the front door, and they just shrugged at Dan’s inquisitive look.

“Probably some random important person coming to congratulate her,” they said, turning their back to the commotion to take another toast. “Ah, tough thing isn’t it, being friends with famous people.”

Dan smiled and was about to answer, but his reply died in his throat when he saw who walked in the room, piercing blue eyes he’d instantly recognize anywhere. His face must’ve gone green or something, because Kali turned around again to see who it was and let out a string of curses.

“I’m not drunk enough for this shit,” Dan mumbled, averting his eyes to look at the buffet.

He could already feel people starting to look at him and judging his reaction, and he felt on the verge of drowning under the weight of unwanted attention and the noise of conversations fusing everywhere, only seeming to get louder and louder until he could barely bear it.

“And you won’t be, not on my watch,” Kali replied. “You know what? I need a cigarette,” they added after a few seconds, hooking their arm under Dan’s and putting a cigarette between their lips before dragging him along, grinning at everyone looking at them leave the room.

*

“Any chance we could just… leave? Like, say you got food poisoning or some shit and get the hell out of here?” Dan asked.

They’d been outside for a minute or too, leaning against the brick wall in silence, the only thing disturbing the air around them being Kali’s smoke. Dan could hear the faint sounds of laughter and conversations coming from inside.

“We could, and you know I’d put my heart in the performance, but no. You’ll regret it tomorrow, and it’s my job to keep you from terrible decisions. What the fuck is he doing here, anyway? This isn't even his goddamn town.”

Dan sighed and let his head fall back against the wall.

“He's a published writer now, it's normal he'd come congratulate a friend for her publication. He's- of course he'd do that.”

“Hey,” Kali turned around and poked his shoulder. “Don't get all sulky on me like that. Listen, we're going to get back inside and enjoy the free food and alcohol free drinks, and-”

“Dan? I wondered where you went,” someone cut them off. 

He turned his head to look at who it was. PJ.

“Hey, Peej. What are you doing here?”

“I was just looking for you. Because of, you know,” he trailed off, averting his eyes.

“I'm going to get something to drink,” Kali said, putting off their cigarette. “Do not leave without me, I know where you live and I  _ will _ kick your ass if you do.”

“Noted,” Dan smiled.

“So,” PJ walked closer and leaned against the wall after they left. “How are you doing? Didn't see you walk out.”

“Oh, yeah. Kali just said they needed a cigarette. You knew he'd be there, didn't you?” he added after a moment.

He heard PJ sigh, and knew he wouldn't like the answer.

“Yes, I did. I'm sorry, I-”

“Why didn't you tell me?” Dan asked, standing up and going to face him. “Why didn't- you know how- you could've told me!”

PJ’s eyes held something in them, that Dan couldn't quite pinpoint. A mix of pity and incomprehension, and a little something of “I didn't realize it was that bad”.

“I promised I wouldn't say anything,” he ended up replying. “He wanted it to be a surprise, especially for Louise. And I- frankly, I didn't think it'd affect you that much.”

“It doesn't,” Dan said quickly. “I just, look, I would've appreciated a heads up, okay? Like, ‘hey Dan, that guy you used to be close to and haven't talked to in five years is coming back to a party where you will be’! Thanks Peej, glad to know I can always count on you,” he added bitterly, walking back inside without waiting for a reaction.

He was washed over by a wave of warmth accompanied by the sounds of people talking and laughing. Nobody noticed him walking in, and he made his way to the corner of the room next to the snacks table. He eyed the drinks for a minute but settled on one of the alcoholic-free cocktails waiting on the bar. He had no idea where Kali had gone. Maybe it was ridiculous to react like he did, and maybe these were things he should’ve dealt with a long time ago instead of just ignoring them, but he didn’t expect to ever be in that situation.

“Hey, Dan?”

The familiar voice behind him nearly made him drop his glass, and only had a few seconds to regain his composure and placard a fake smile on his lips.

“Hi Phil,” he said. “Didn't expect to see you here.”

He had to make a conscious effort to stay focused on Phil's eyes framed by black glasses instead of eyeing intently his every feature as if he’d been deprived of sight for years.

“I know,” Phil smiled, and fuck, Dan would never admit to how much he missed seeing that smile.. “It kinda was a last minute decision, really, Noah ended up being busy this weekend so I thought I’d come down.”

Dan could feel the way his shoulders tensed just at Noah’s mention. Maybe it was unfair to hate someone he’d never even met, but of course he hated him. The brilliant film producer that made such a lovely couple with his writer husband, and that was so much better than Dan could ever hope to be. If there was one person Dan really didn’t want to talk about, especially with Phil, it was Noah.

“Oh, well, that’s… great,” he said, forcing his lips to curve in a smile. “Very kind of you.”

He didn’t say anything about it, but he felt like the air around them was made heavier by all the times Phil didn’t bother to come down to see  _ him _ , no matter how badly he could’ve have needed it. A wave of relief washed over him when he saw Kali walking towards them.

“Ah, Dan, there you are! Hi,” they said when they got next to Phil, holding out their hand. “We haven’t met before. I’m Kali, nonbinary Bengali lesbian, and no, none of these things are mutually exclusive.”

Phil smiled and took their hand to shake. “You don’t look like the type of person to let other people decide of what should be exclusive or not,” he said, gesturing to their long and flowy pink skirt and their black leather jacket. “I’m Phil.”

“I know,” they replied. “Dan sweetheart, would you lend me some money for the taxi home? Marine just got back home and I forgot my wallet.”

“Sure,” Dan said. “Actually, I'll go with you, I have to get up early for a meeting tomorrow. It was nice seeing you again, Phil,” he smiled, internally glad to have an excuse to leave. 

“Nice to see you too,” Phil smiled back. 

*

“This was the worst evening of my entire life,” Dan sighed when they were finally in the taxi heading to Kali’s place.

“Counting that one where you called me in tears at 2am and I ended up staying at your place watching Marvel movies until we passed out?” Kali asked.

“No, not counting that one, we agreed to say it never happened,” he replied.

“Oh, I remember, don't worry. Didn't happen. Just wanted to make sure.”

Dan felt the hint of a smile appear on his lips.

“Will you be… okay?” Kali asked after a moment. “Can I leave you on your own or would you prefer if I stayed with you?”

“No, no, I'm fine. Really,” he insisted when he saw the look of their face. “I'll just be on my laptop for a while and then go to sleep. You go see Marine, I know you missed her.”

Kali seemed to study his face for a second before caving in.

“Okay,” they ended up saying. “I'm here if you need me, okay? Just- call me. Alright? NO matter the time.”

“Promised,” Dan smiled.

“Okay, good,” Kali went for a hug. “We'd get over and paint our nails and talk about our feelings, because that's what friends do.”

That made Dan chuckle and Kali got out in front of their place, leaving Dan in the taxi back home.

 

* * *

Dan was just about to go get changed and get in bed when the doorbell rang, and he sighed before going to open the door. He nearly choked on air when he saw who was standing there.

“Phil? What are- What are you doing here?” he spluttered.

Phil smiled apologetically and ran a hand through his hair. “Ah, I knew this was a bad idea,” he sighed. “I'm sorry, I- I really didn't mean to bother you it's just- all flights and trains are cancelled until further notice and all hotel rooms are booked so-”

“You can stay here,” Dan heard himself say. “I mean- it's easier, now that you're here, everyone else lives on the other side of town. You can just take the guest room.”

“Really?” Phil asked, seemingly relieved. “I really don't want to bother you, I can figure something out.”

“It's fine,” Dan said, opening up the door wider so he could walk in. “Come in. I'll show you around.”

The only thing he could think of until he used the excuse of getting up early to retreat in his own room after showing Phil everything was that Kali would never shut up about how he really couldn't be left alone for five seconds. 

He truly couldn’t blame them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to apologize for how late this is lajkfsdges i went to Manchester and then was too sad to write when I came back but there it is! Chapter two! This isn’t my best work rip I really tried but eh I’m not a fan of how it turned out, I’ll try harder on the next chapters though
> 
> as always, you're welcome to send me your thoughts either in comments or on tumblr @/wavydanrises !

Dan had barely been able to sleep. He kept tossing and turning in his bed, his brain apparently unable to shut up and let him rest. After another turn and look at the clock that indicated five in the morning, he gave up and got up. He needed to get out of here, to get rid of the agitation in his mind. He didn't need to turn the light on, the room was bathed in this early morning glow, before the sun really rose but long after the moon had disappeared. He grabbed a few clothes, including sweatpants. Going for a run seemed like the most logical thing to do right now. He liked to run to empty his head. He plugged his earphones into his phone before putting it in his jacket's pocket to make sure it wouldn't fall and break. He really didn't need that. He scribbled a quick note for Phil, letting him know he'd gone out and to make himself at home and left it on the living room's table, before finally leaving. 

It was colder that he'd thought outside, but at least it'd keep him well awake. He started jogging along to the rhythm in his ears, focusing on the shocks of his feet hitting the ground. There was nobody else to be seen, he was the only one out in the early morning, cold air brushing his face like a ghost hand caressing his cheek before getting tangled up in his hair. He really needed sleep, he thought, if he was starting to compare a breeze to a ghost. As if ghost existed, for starters.

He didn't know for how long he'd been running, lungs starting to protest and muscles beginning to burn, but he didn't want to stop. He felt good, like this, as if he was alone in the world, with no one to bother him. No one to judge him. He continued running through a park, eventually stopping in front of a pond. The sky was slowly painting itself with morning's shades, pink and gold colouring the clouds. He stayed there for a while, watching the sunrise above the city's skyline, sky reflecting in the water at his feet.

He suddenly snapped back to reality and realized he had to get back home now, he’d nearly forgotten about the meeting he had to attend in a couple hours. He turned around and started jogging back to the flat, the rising sun warming up his back as the streets were slowly awaking and coming back alive.

He jumped in the shower as soon as he got home, not that he really had the time for it but he couldn't just show up as a sweaty mess to a formal meeting with professional people. That wouldn't make a great impression.  He was hearing noise coming from somewhere else in the apartment, and it took him a second or two to remember Phil had stayed the night. God, what a terrible idea. Kali would never let him hear the end of it, and maybe he deserved it this time. He quickly got dressed and got out of the bathroom, stopping by the kitchen to grab something to eat on the way - running this early had made him hungry.

"Oh, hey," Phil said when he entered the room. "Thought you'd already left," he added, gesturing to the note on the table.

"Yeah, I'm- I'm super late," Dan admitted with a grimace. "I went for a run this morning and didn't see the time. Did you find everything you need?"

Phil nodded. "Yeah, don't worry. So, you run now?" he asked, brow arching in a mix of curiosity and amusement.

"Yup," Dan replied, opening a cupboard to look for a brioche to take with him. "It's actually nice, I like to go early in the morning or late on the evening. Less people, and the sky's pretty."

"That's nice," Phil commented, taking a sip out of his coffee mug before setting it down. "Hang on, let me help you."

Dan looked at him with confusion as he saw him step forward and approaching his hands until he got a hold of his collar and fiddled with it for a few seconds to readjust it, and then fix his hair a little, and suddenly Dan felt really warm and the tips of his ears were tickling.

"There you go," Phil said, taking a step back. "Now you look like you've woken up refreshed instead of rushing. You still never think of fixing your collar," he added with a smile.

Dan couldn't tell if he saw nostalgia in this smile or if he was just imagining things, but it took a lot of concentration to keep his face from going bright red.

"Ah- yeah- well- uh, thank you?" he stammered. "I gotta- I have to go, I'm already late, so uh- make yourself at home," he added as he turned around, nearly running out of the room.

He could've sworn he heard Phil shout "good luck" just when the front door slammed behind him.

 

* * *

"You did  _ what  _ ?!"

Dan sighed. He called Kali as soon as he left the meeting, and he was beginning to think he shouldn't have.

"I know, I know, but I just- look, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Literally anything other than inviting the guy you've been pining over for years, even after he left, to stay at your place overnight! Tell me he's at least leaving today," Kali said.

Dan grimaced. "Well..."

"Oh Jesus Christ, Dan. This is a terrible idea. You're only going to get hurt." They sighed. "Look, I'm sorry if I seem harsh, I just- I just want what's best for you, you know that? And sometimes I feel like you're terrible at taking care of yourself and then I have to step up and make sure you don't get yourself stuck in an awful mess of a situation."

"Looks like I managed to do that anyway," Dan replied with a small smile.

"Looks like you did," Kali sighed again. "So what's the plan now?"

"I don't know. I've checked,  all flights, trains, and buses are cancelled for the next week or so. Because of the strike. So I guess we just have to wait."

"Okay, listen, I want you to call me if something's not going well, alright? I'm worried about you."

"I know, I know," Dan smiled. "How's Marine doing, by the way?"

"She's doing great! I'd put her on the phone with you but she just went to the market. I think seeing her family back in France for a while really made her happy, I'm so glad her mum and her are getting along again. Marine really missed her, you know."

"Yeah, I remember. Tell her I said hi, will you?" 

"Will do! You know, it's been a while since we've hung out together, all three of us," they added. "Oh, speaking of the devil- Marine just got back. Hey babe,” they said at her attention. “I was about to say we should have a movie night at Dan's place soon, that'd cheer him up."

"That'd be nice," Dan agreed. "Although, that'll have to wait a few days. Or I could ask Phil if he has any plan for a night out."

"Hey, don't let him ruin our fun!” Marine said, apparently having gotten ahold of the phone. “We can have that movie night tomorrow. We could even try to get Phil to stay with us, that might be fun."

Dan couldn't tell what he was hearing in her voice, a strange mix of amusement and concern.

"One minute ago, Kali were basically yelling at me to get rid of him as soon as I could, and now you want to have a movie night with him?" 

Even he could feel the surprise in his own voice. 

"Look, all I'm saying is that we could give it a try. It wouldn't hurt, right? And to be honest, if you're going to spend time with him, I think Kali wouldn't mind being there for a bit to keep an eye on you and make sure you're alright. Same goes for me, by the way."

Dan sighed. "Alright, alright, you know what? I'll ask him, and we'll see how that goes."

"Works for me," Kali said. "Oh, hang on, my dad's calling I have to go, I'll call you back later!"

Dan hung up and looked around. He'd already had lunch, and the afternoon was only beginning, he had plenty of time before him. It was a beautiful day, sun shining bright and birds’ songs filling up the sky. He decided on getting a bubble tea before going home, that was giving him an excuse to walk by the park to get to the shop. On the way, he quickly asked PJ for Phil’s number, and sent him a text to tell him that Kali and Marine would come over the next day to watch movies, and that he was welcome to stay if he wanted to. He didn’t wait long for Phil’s response where he said he’d be glad to join them, and he’d bring popcorn. Dan bit his lip to suppress a smile at that, and with it the memories of all the times Phil had made them popcorn while they watched a movie, the evening ending up with one of them asleep on the other’s shoulder more often than not. He shook his head and gave his order to the person behind the desk.

Maybe he wasn’t going to go back to his flat just yet, he decided on his way out, heading back to the park. He didn’t want to deal with Phil being there, not right now. Maybe he’d just sit on a bench with his bubble tea, enjoying the sun on his skin and looking at happy couples and families walking by. He had always wished he’d be like them one day, but he wasn’t so sure it’d happen for him anymore. 

Maybe he’d always just be second best, maybe he’d always be the friend everyone was so used to just being there that they almost forgot about him entirely.

Maybe he just had to get used to it.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan wasn't sure this was a good idea, at all. He'd been more than skeptical when Marine had brought it up but he gave in, and now he was getting nervous.

He was at home and Phil had been gone for a bit, he said he was going to see if there was any news on when he could go back up north. That had left Dan alone, and he'd decided to get on a cleaning spree before everyone came around in the evening. Kali and Marine were on snacks duty, and Phil said he'd bring popcorn, so Dan just had to make sure his flat didn't look  _ too  _ bad. And if it could take his mind off worrying for a bit, he'd happily take it.

He just- he couldn't believe the situation he'd gotten himself into. And if he had tried to deny his feelings for Phil were gone with him, now that he was back, he had to face the truth and admit they were just as strong as ever. And he hated it, hated himself for it. It had been so long, everyone expected him to have moved on. And he couldn't blame them. He knew he should have at this point, a long time ago. That's why he had cut off all contact a while back, he thought that maybe it'd help. It didn't. Sometimes, it seemed like he just couldn't do it.

Maybe he'd just spend the rest of his life desperately in love with someone happily married. Talk about pathetic.

He shook his head and went back to vacuuming. He didn’t have time for these kinds of thoughts, and they didn’t bring anything new anyway. If it was just going to make him feel more miserable, he had other things to do that would be a lot more useful.

 

* * *

 

Kali and Marine arrived before Phil got back. Marine hugged Dan before walking in, and he felt her familiar perfume wash over him like a comforting breeze. Kali just ruffled his hair before walking to the kitchen to put down the snacks they'd brought.

"It's been so long, Dan!" Marine said. "My mum says hi, by the way. And she loved your last video, the one about that space movie, I totally forgot how it's called I'm sorry. But she said it was really funny!"

"Thank you," Dan said. "That's really nice of her. I should give her a shoutout in my next video," he added with a smile.

Marine laughed. "Oh, she'd love that. She's a real fan, you know. She wouldn't shut up about it."

Dan chuckled a little at that. "Yeah, that might be a bad idea then. Maybe for her birthday, though."

Marine just smiled and shook her head and went to the kitchen to help Kali, just when someone knocked on the door. Dan opened it to find Phil behind it.

"I brought popcorn," he smiled, showing the bags he was holding.

Dan bit back a grin. "Let me help with that, Jesus, Phil, we're not going to be 15 tonight, you didn't have to get that much."

"Hey, I didn't forget that you eat enough popcorn by yourself that you'd finish half of all this without any problem, I preferred to play it safe. I doubt your appetite for snacks has lessened while I was away."

They continued bickering all the way to the kitchen, and Dan caught the look in Kali's eyes when they walked in.

"Hey, Phil," Kali said. "This is Marine, my girlfriend," they added. "Glad you decided to join us tonight."

"Of course!" Phil smiled at everyone. "I love movie nights, and I know Dan isn't always the best company for watching movies, he talks all the time-"

"And eats all the popcorn," Marine completed with him, before grinning. "I like you," she decided, "tonight's going to be fun. What are we watching? I’m voting for Ocean’s 8. Because I'm bi and love girls."

 

* * *

 

It wasn't fun, Dan thought to himself about halfway through the movie. It wasn't fun at all. 

Kali and Marine were cuddled up together on one side of the sofa, Kali making Marine quietly laugh with the comments they were whispering in her ear. Phil was sat between Dan and them, Dan pressed into the side of the armrest to stop himself from giving into the temptation of putting his head on Phil’s shoulder, like he used to do. That would be a terrible idea, but he couldn’t get rid of the thought. It was torture, things being so close to how they used to be but so different at the same time. So much time had passed and so much had changed since Phil left, and yet there they both were. 

He was almost relieved when Phil’s phone rang and he got up to answer it after grimacing at the name on the screen and apologizing. Dan made a point to ignore Kali’s look, that he could feel on his face. It was hard enough convincing himself that everything was alright, he knew they wouldn’t buy it. They were too smart for that.

It had been a while since Phil had left when Dan got up to get more drinks. He was about to step in the kitchen when he heard Phil talking, and he stopped behind the door.

“Noah, I told you- No, don’t use that tone on me, I'm just trying to- I told you not to call me that. Oh no, don't bring him into this, it has  _ nothing _ to do with him and you know it, don't try to put the blame on him! Look, you know what? I'm not talking to you while you're like this. If you're incapable of holding a conversation without starting to yell - don't interrupt me - you'll have to talk to my lawyer, and we both know this would just make things more difficult.”

Dan heard him sigh and the sound of a phone thrown on the table. He softly knocked on the door and pushed it open. Phil was leaning on the table, head down, and looked up when he heard him.

“Hey,” Dan said quietly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, it's just-” he sighed. “Noah and I are getting a divorce.”

“Oh,” Dan said. “I'm sorry, I-I didn't know.”

That was something stalking Phil's twitter hadn't told him.

Phil had a bitter smile. “Yeah, I'm not surprised. We haven't really been on speaking terms for a speaking terms for a while, eh?”

It dawned on Dan that he shouldn't be here, talking with the man he'd been in love for the last eight years about his divorce. 

“Yeah that's… my fault,” Dan grimaced. “I'm sorry about that.”

“It's okay,” Phil shrugged. “It's just- it's been hard, not talking to you.”

Dan couldn't help but feel the flame of anger appearing in his stomach, built up by five years of sorrow and frustration, and even if he tries to ignore it, he can't stop himself from saying words so bitter they left a taste in his mouth.

“Really? Because, you're the one who left, I didn't think you would've cared.”

“Are you really still- Oh come on Dan, it’s been five years! We’re adults, don't you think you should move on?”

Dan nearly choked, and the flame was growing bigger in his chest. “You’re telling me to move on? You think I haven't tried? You think I'm enjoying this? I- You know what? Fuck you, Phil.”

He turned around and started to walk away, rage filling in the space in his ribcage, but he only managed to take a few steps before Phil spoke up again.

“What the hell have I done?”

Dan turned around so fast he almost got dizzy. “You left! You were the most important person in my life, and you just- left, like it was nothing. Like none of it meant anything. Do you know what that's like? To feel like the most important person in your life just doesn't give a shit about you?”

Phil’s eyes widened at that, and Dan bit back another comment. He wasn’t even supposed to talk about that, it was just so fucking  _ pathetic _ .

“You never asked me to stay,” Phil said quietly after a second or two. “If- I would’ve stayed, if you asked.”

“No,” Dan replied, taking a step back. “That’s too easy. You don’t get to say that after spending five years away, being- you don't.”

_ Being in love with someone else. _ That's what he couldn't say.

“Dan-”

“No,” Dan cut him off, taking another step back. “You know what? I can't stay here. I'm going out,” he said, walking out of the room.

He saw Kali’s concerned look when he walked past the living room and the way Marine stopped them from getting up, and he tried his best to just ignore them. He knew he'd ruined everything, and he was acting like a brat but he just- he just had to leave. 

He was out of the flat and in the street before he really realized it, the chilly night air hitting him suddenly. He didn't know what he was doing, all he knew was that he wanted to clear his head, so he did what he did best in those cases.

He started running


	4. Chapter 4

Dan didn’t know for how long he had been running in the night, but it felt like hours, focusing on nothing but the pain radiating from his legs, forcing himself forward until his legs collapsed and he fell on his hands and knees into the grass. He stayed like this for a bit, just struggling to catch his breath, with sudden coughs rocking his chest. 

His legs and lungs were burning, and he didn't know how he'd make it back home. 

He turned and let himself fall on his back, another coughing fit taking over him for a few seconds until he could finally breathe and open his eyes again.

Above him, the shining stars seemed to be prettier than ever just to spite him and his misery.

He took his phone out of his pocket and blinked at the brightness of the screen, turning it down before being able to read it. On top of all the texts he got from Kali, Marine, and Phil, the time was displaying 2:37 am, like a reproach. He sighed and let the phone fall on his chest with a surprisingly loud thud, before bringing his hands to cover his face. What a mess he'd put himself in. Kali was right, he shouldn't have let Phil come back, not after how much it had hurt to lose him the first time. 

He still remembered exactly how it happened.

He couldn't pretend just the memory of it hadn't kept him up at night, wondering what he'd done wrong or how he could have acted differently to change how things happened. He knew it was just useless and only made him feel worse about this whole thing, but he couldn't help the spirals his mind took sometimes. 

He remembered painfully distinctly the look on Phil's face when he came into the room all those years ago, hesitant and almost afraid of what he was going to say. Dan hadn't noticed at the time, but now he knew why. Phil already knew it would change everything between them.

He remembered how Phil's voice sounded excited and proud but couldn't hide the guilt Dan could see in his eyes when he told him his last book had gotten a movie deal and that it'd be filmed in Manchester, where most of the action took place.

He remembered the way his smile wavered when he added that he wanted to move back there, to be closer to the set and also closer to his parents. Dan knew that last reason was the most important one to him, Phil had always been really close to his family and living in London got to him sometimes. Dan hadn't said anything, just that it was a great opportunity and that he should definitely take it. 

He couldn't forget the crushing pain in his chest when he said he was happy for him. Because he was, he really was glad to see his hard work pay off, he knew better than anyone how much of himself he had poured into this book, and he was proud to see it succeed like he always hoped it would. It just hurt that it meant he would be left behind.

And, sure enough that was what happened. Phil had tried to stay in contact at first, but the texts got less and less regular, until they stopped altogether. Dan had continued to stalk his twitter account to know how he was doing, and had to pretend he didn't feel his heart being slowly ripped out of his chest as he watched Phil fall in love with Noah, who worked on the movie with him. When they got married two years later, Dan hadn't been able to leave his room for a week. He didn't know if he was hurt or relieved that he never got an invitation to the wedding.

The ringing of him phone on his chest pulled him out of his memories. He sighed at the name on the screen, before answering.

“Hey,” he said.

“Thank God, you're okay,” Phil breathed, apparently relieved. 

“I- yeah, I'm sorry, I just…,” he sighed. “I didn't mean to worry you.”

“No, no, it's okay,” Phil was quick to reassure him. “Where are you? I'll come pick you up, Kali left me their car. I told Marine and them to go home, I figured you wouldn't want to come back with everyone around.”

Dan felt like crying suddenly, a burning tear slipping from his eye and slowly making its way into his hair above his ear. He didn't know why, but the thought of Phil still knowing him so well after all these years was making his throat tight.

“Yeah, that- thank you. I'm at the park you liked, with the hill and the pond.”

“I know which one it is,” Phil confirmed. “I'll be here as soon as I can, alright?”

“I'm not going anywhere,” Dan said with a sad smile.

Phil hung up and Dan stayed there on the ground, just looking up at the stars.

 

* * *

It seemed to him that it only took a few minutes before Phil was there and helped him get up, and they walked back to the car in silence.

Something was bothering Dan, a thought turning around and around in his head without ever stopping, and he eventually gave in.

"Why did you leave?" he spoke up out of the blue. "Five years ago, I mean."

Phil kept his eyes focused on the road.

"I- it's- I don't know," he sighed. "I was so excited by this opportunity, but I didn't think you'd agree." He quickly glanced at Dan. "I guess I kinda hoped you'd come with me. I know it was selfish but, ah well."

"Really?" Dan was surprised, to say the least. "I thought you wanted to get away from me."

"What? No! I-" he sighed again, in frustration this time. "I was in love with you," he adds after a few seconds.

Dan was pretty sure the roof of the car had just fallen on his head.

"You- but- I- but why did you leave then? And what about Noah?"

Phil glanced in the rear view mirror and stopped the car on the side of the road.

"I- you didn't ask me to stay," he said again, just like a few hours earlier. "So I- I thought you didn't really care, I guess. And then I was in Manchester, and we were barely talking and I thought- I thought you'd moved on, and you didn't want me to be part of your life anymore. And- And Noah was there, and he was nice and told me he liked me and I thought maybe going out with someone else would help me get over you. I liked him," he added, looking up at Dan. "I really did. I just- I never loved him like I still love you. That's why we're getting a divorce," he chuckled sadly. "It wasn't fair to him, and to be honest he wasn't really that great once we were married, and, yeah. That's it I guess."

Dan's brain was like mashed potatoes, he couldn't understand how this was really happening.

"Why did you never say anything?" he mumbled quietly, painfully aware that he never said anything either.

Phil had a sad smile. "I knew it wouldn't change anything, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship for nothing," he shrugged.

Dan worked up the courage to look Phil in the eyes.

"But it could have changed things," he said. "I was- I'm still in love with you."

He saw the way Phil's eyes went wide, like he couldn't believe it

“But- I- we- really?”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh a little at the look on his face, and he was suddenly feeling weirdly light and bubbly.

“Yes, really.”

Phil leaned back in his seat. “Well, that’s- wow. That’s unexpected. But you never said anything!”

“You never said anything either!” Dan replied. “God, we really were just pining idiots for so long, huh?”

“Years,” Phil smiled and shook his head. “Actual years, and neither of us has ever said anything, fucking hell.”

“Yeah, I guess we wasted a lot of time,” Dan sighed.

“We certainly have wasted enough,” Phil said, facing him again. “And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to waste any more.”

Dan looked at him, a smile slowly growing on his lips. “I think after all this time, we at least deserve a chance.”

Phil’s grin was so bright even the darkness of the night that it made Dan giggle, and he only stopped when Phil leaned forward to kiss him.

“Was there even really a strike or could you have gone back home?” Dan asked when the moved back.

Phil laughed. “There really is one, I’m still stuck here for a bit. But I might’ve asked PJ for your address when I realized I couldn’t leave.”

“Sneaky,” Dan mumbled before putting his arms around his neck and pulling him in for another kiss.

 

* * *

When Dan woke up, he was expecting the deafening silence that had been there every morning for the last five years. But he could hear someone rummaging in the kitchen instead, so he got up and walked out of the bedroom.

“Hey,” Phil smiled when he saw him walk in. “I was about to come and wake you up. I made breakfast!”

Yes, Dan thought as he sat down and grabbed a toast. They were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end! Thank you so much to everyone who read along and left kind comments, it means the world to me.   
> I hope you all enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This is my new chaptered fic, feel free to leave comments or remarks down below, I'd be glad to know what you thought of it!  
> My tumblr is @/wavydanrises and my twitter is @/honeyncrystal where I occasionally give updates on the writing process


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